The Pressure of Being "The Smart Child": Parental Pressure

Parents don’t usually mean to put pressure on their kids. Most of it comes from love, or fear, or wanting to protect us from struggles they went through themselves. I know that, and I think that’s partly what makes parental pressure so difficult to deal with. It’s much easier to be angry at someone when you think they’re trying to hurt you.

For me, the pressure has never been particularly obvious. It’s more the accumulation of small comments: hearing about someone else’s grade, being asked why I lost a few marks, or being told, “We just want you to reach your potential.” Individually, none of it feels like a big deal. But after a while, I started translating that as pressure on myself, even when my parents weren’t saying anything particularly malicious.

After a while, I started doing most of the pressuring myself. If I got a grade back, I’d immediately think about what my parents would say. Even if I was initially happy with it, I could pretty quickly convince myself that I should have done better. I know that my parents push me because they genuinely want me to do well. They have high expectations because they know what I’m capable of, which makes it difficult to complain about. But it can still be tiring when doing well becomes the expectation rather than something you’re allowed to be proud of.

I’ve also realised that a lot of parents probably don’t notice when they’re doing it. Many grew up with the same attitude towards grades and success, thinking their worth was measured in achievements and receiving the tough love childhood that many of us did not get to the same extent. Naturally, they are bound to pass some of that mentality onto us. That doesn’t mean every comment is justified, but understanding where it comes from has made me take some of them less personally.

I still care a lot about making my parents proud, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I'm just trying to get better at deciding when I’m doing something I am truly passionate about and when I'm doing it because I am craving their validation.

Writer: Anonymous